« Quotes

16 Nov 2006

Consumer Prices

When I see a headline like “Consumer prices fall for 2nd month,” I immediately think to myself, “It’s time to buy some consumers!”

28 Apr 2006

Spanish-Language U.S. National Anthem

In the song “Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist” from Avenue Q, Princeton argues that we all make judgments based on race: “Not big judgments like who to hire; just little judgments like thinking that Mexican busboys should learn to speak goddamn English!”

Earlier today, our President expressed his thoughts about a new Spanish-language version of our National Anthem:

“I think the national anthem ought to be sung in English, and I think people who want to be a citizen of this country ought to learn English and they ought to learn to sing the national anthem in English.”

Last time I checked, the United States does not have an official national language, much like it doesn’t have an official national religion. It’s too bad those goddamn equal rights are always getting in the way of our President’s ability to govern.

13 Jul 2005

Quote of the Day

This morning I noticed a lady waiting for the elevator downstairs. The elevator arrived, and the doors opened.

“Thank you,” she said to the elevator, quietly and politely.

I guess she wanted the elevator to know that she appreciated its chivalry.

21 Apr 2005

Columbus’s Options

Ashleigh’s working on the Upper West Side today, and we were discussing our plans to meet for dinner. I said, “I’ll meet you there so we can explore Columbus’s options.”

Immediately I thought, “Discover new world… Don’t discover new world…”

I’m sure his actual options were more complicated, but in the cartoon in my head, everything is quite simple.

10 Mar 2005

Vague Conversation

“Where do you work?” she asked me, as we lunched with our mutual friend.

“There,” I replied, indicating the huge office building across the street.

She looked quizzically at the quaint dry cleaners at street level, trying to determine why I would work there.

“Not the cleaners. Behind that.”

4 Mar 2005

Bandages?

I originally thought the chorus of “Bandages” by Hot Hot Heat was, “blame the jews, blame the jews, blame the jews.” Perhaps I was just paranoid.

Ashleigh’s version was better, though. Apparently she thought he said, “Band of juice, band of juice, band of juice,” which makes even less sense (but, I admit, sounds more like “bandages”).

What did you think he was saying?

18 Feb 2005

Quote of the Day

“Everyone understands this language,” I said, opening my wallet and holding it up to my face, “the language of the smell of the color of money!”

15 Dec 2004

Yes, “Shushed” Is a Word

This morning on the N-R, it was very crowded and very quiet as usual. This one foreign girl (she was Scandinavian of some sort) was talking at normal speaking volume to her friend. Since she was the only person on the train who was talking, her friend shushed her and said, “Everyone can hear you!”

I don’t know why, but something about that was funny to me. Maybe it’s because “everyone” is a stranger and doesn’t care, or maybe it’s because there’s no real reason for the unspoken rule (no pun intended) of staying quiet on the subway in the morning.

11 Oct 2004

Edited for Television

I really enjoy watching High Fidelity whenever it’s on television because Jack Black’s first line—as he walks into Championship Vinyl and hears the new Belle & Sebastian record playing—is “Holy shoot! What the frog is that?”

6 Aug 2004

While Shopping Today

“Welcome to the part of the mall that smells like feet,” a large sign above me should have said.

20 Jul 2004

Quote of the Day

Claire is frustrated and exhausted by her full-time job at the Magic Kingdom. This afternoon, she randomly informed me, “Disney ate my brain!”

Of course, I replied, “It’s prob’ly still hungry then.”

16 Jul 2004

Quote of the Day

From Michelle’s journal:

“I’m reading 2 books right now… One tells me how to be a good person… and the other one tells me how to get what I want… :-\ Decisions decisions…”

8 Jul 2004

Eerie-mail

At precisely 10:50am, I received this vague, cryptic, single-line email from a co-worker named Rachel:

For those in the front office…..11:30 :-)

What an eerie message. Is 11:30 the end of the world? Or is she pointing out that the front office is in a different time zone from the rest of the company, and it was 11:30 in the front office at 10:50 elsewhere? Is she staging a coup, and we must march together at 11:30? I’m thoroughly intrigued… and a little worried.

30 Jun 2004

WWBD

“So you like Barbra Streisand?” the creepy Michael’s employee asked, indicating my What Would Barbra Do? t-shirt.

“Eh, I don’t know. I just thought it was a funny shirt… She’s okay.”

“I saw a thing on Saturday Night Live about her. They said she’s auctioning off all her possessions… and selling them on eGay.”

I laughed awkwardly.

23 Jun 2004

Quote of the Day

A man at Starbucks, discussing my car with his friends:

“Well, it’s got a hula girl, and it says U-H-L-L, so I bet it’s from the University of Hawaii. University of Hawaii… hono-Lu-Lu or something.”

18 Jun 2004

Don’t Be Emo

This is Alex’s away message right now:

“how many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? …. none. you let the fuckers cry in the dark”

And that, my friends, is just one of the many reasons why Alex is awesome.

12 May 2004

Away Messages

Almost everyone on my Buddy List has an away message up right now, and I think it would be interesting just to list all of them. If you’re one of those people who likes to do the same weird things that other people have done on their weblogs, feel free to do this too.

What do you dream about when your love is asleep at your side?

I am currently away from the computer.

9 May 2004

Quote of the Day

“Why did it say bear right?”

“Usually that means there’s a fork in the road. Like, bear right at the fork in the road.”

“But… there wasn’t a fork.”

“Maybe the bear took it.”

28 Apr 2004

Quote of the Day

Last night we were blocking a scene between Jeanette and Marina.

Jeanette raised her hand in the air and shook it. “They shake hands?” she asked the director, reading the stage directions in the script.

“No, Jeanette. Shake Marina’s hand. Like, a handshake.”

27 Mar 2004

Important Safety Features

When they started talking about evacuation in the event of a water landing, I swear I heard exactly this:

“These slides may also be used as rats.”

And then, as if that wasn’t funny enough, they followed up with this:

“Large live rats are also on board.”

4 Feb 2004

Audition

Beth looked over my paperwork and commented, “I know some of the people on your résumé.”

After a few more moments of perusal, she clarified, “Actually, I know everyone on your résumé.”

“Well, I hope they liked me,” I replied.

12 Jan 2004

Quote of the Day

“A good analogy is like a diagonal frog.”

- Kai Krause’s Example Dilemma (from edge.org)

12 Nov 2003

Hair Dye Conversation

Matt finally dyed his hair black last night. He obviously wants to be just like me.

I was considering dying my hair as well (some crazy color, like pink), but then I had a conversation with Nicole about it, and of course one’s crush is the single person who can talk him out of any decision.

“Isn’t it already black?” she asked.

“Yes, it’s black,” I verified, “so I can’t dye it black.”

“Well then, I don’t think you should dye it anything,” she said. “I thin k= black looks good on you.”

A moment later she added, “Ahh stupid keyboard.”

23 Oct 2003

Conversation with Amanda

Her: yo
Me: mlaah.
Her: have fun last night
Me: i’ll try to.
Her: huh

And then I signed off. Ha ha… stupid Amanda and her stupid lack of question marks.

13 Oct 2003

Overheard

“Who’s car is that?”

“It’s Dave’s. In G.”

“In where?”

“G.”

“Oh, right here?”

“Yeah. Dave. Dave or David.”

“It’s a guy’s car?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow. A guy’s?”

“Yeah, he’s kinda… kinda… quiet.”

4 Sep 2003

Streaker?

“Attention in the terminal. Would the passenger who left a red shirt at the security checkpoint please return to pick it up.”

You would think they’d have an easy time finding the one topless passenger in the terminal and returning his or her shirt.

22 Jul 2003

Fatty McFat-Fat

So Amanda and I were at the Spectrum with her friend Amanda, and we were talking about what code we could use to refer to a girl with her fat stomach sticking out of her too-small shirt. Amanda’s friend Amanda suggested that we just say, “Fatty McFat-Fat” or “Look at that fatty with her fat fat sticking out of her fatty shirt.” She’s not into subtlety. I wanted to use something more like “the ground beef is leaving the sausage” or something that just hints at the idea without giving it away.

Anyway, then I had to leave because I needed to go home and move my laundry. When I had accomplished this, I messaged Amanda and simply said, “The laundry is out of the dryer.”

So yeah, that’s the code.

8 Apr 2003

Awkwark

Yesterday Amie made a typo while talking to me online. She misspelled the word “awkward” as “awkwark.” I liked her new word instantly because it was really funny-looking, and then I quickly discovered that “awkwark” is really fun to say out loud too!

27 Mar 2003

More Than One Way…

We had a meeting at work today to learn about our company’s Code of Business Conduct, which includes rules like “always say please and thank you” and “don’t launder money.” The meeting was led by Robin, who is the head of Human Resources for our parent company.

While discussing the rule of “no violence,” Robin mentioned that part of her job is to fire people, so she specifically requested an office with no windows because she was concerned about disgruntled former employees trying to “get” her.

I wanted to ask, “Does it have a vent?” but I restrained myself.

24 Feb 2003

Le Péril

I was home alone tonight, watching “Jeopardy,” because that’s how lame I am. The category was state capitals, and the answer for $400 was, “It’s name means red stick.”

So I said, out loud, in a thick, fake French accent, “Baton Rouge!” (Take a moment and picture me doing this, out loud, all alone in my apartment.)

Then Alex called on the contestant who buzzed in first, and he said “Baton Rouge” in the exact same thick, fake French accent.

It was funny. Never mind.

10 Feb 2003

Your… Er… My Mom

My mom called me and said, “I need to go to the Main Place Mall. That’s pretty close to you, so do you want to join me for lunch?”

And then before I could answer, she said, “Oh wait! I meant Cerritos Mall. Never mind.”

Apparently she called a whole bunch of Eddie Bauers to find a specific item, and then she momentarily forgot which one actually had the item.

So yeah… I got dissed by my mom.

22 Jan 2003

The End Is Near

My friend Amanda has the greatest away message on right now:

“Sleep. Final tomorrow. NO MORE GOVERNMENT EVER!”

At first glance, it may seem like it’s about a class at school, but actually, she’s an apocalyptic anarchist.

8 Nov 2002

Quote of the Day

After rehearsal last night, Amie, Amanda, and I were discussing going to see a movie after Saturday night’s performance. Amanda yelled out, “Ooh! I wanna see The Ring!”

Roxanne, who was approaching us at the time, got this really shocked look on her face all of a sudden. With much excitement, she asked Amie, “You’re engaged?!?!”

22 Oct 2002

One-Step Fabric Dye

I needed red dye for part of the Halloween costume I’m making. So I went to Michaels yesterday to buy some. The dye I got is called “One-Step Fabric Dye,” and on the side of the box, it lists three steps.

9 Oct 2002

“Let the Bodies Hit the Flo!”

There’s an entire category on Yahoo! for animations based on misheard lyrics, and boy does that make me happy when I’m bored. My absolute favorite in this category is “Let the Bodies Hit the Flo!”, misheard and animated by Kimbo.

22 Sep 2002

Quote of the Day

We were watching Monsters, Inc. at Jonathan’s house, and it came to the scene where an octopus-like monster is preparing several dishes simultaneously at the sushi restaurant using his many tentacles.

So Jonathan said, “I wish I had more than one arm.”

21 Aug 2002

Quote of the Day

“When it comes to passing, nobody beats the Bear Bads.”

- A wife on “The Newleywed Game,” filling in the blank regarding which football team is the best

16 Jun 2002

Quote of the Day

“You know when we should go to Knott’s Berry Farm? If the terrorists hit America again, we should go. C’mon terrorists! Please!”

- Amie

1 Apr 2002

Enrique Iglesias says…

31 Dec 2001

Come-Alive-Power

The following is an excerpt from page eight of Beautiful Possibilities for Today: Daily Power Thoughts by Robert H. Schuller…

COME-ALIVE-POWER

A few weeks ago I had to spank my youngest child, Gretchen. She’s a darling girl, but she misbehaved and I had to punish her. She ran off to her room and closed the door behind her.

After a few minutes, I walked down the hall and listened at her door. Everything was quiet so I turned the doorknob ever so slowly and peeked my head through the opening. There was her small figure hidden beneath the blankets.

As I walked over to the bed I noticed her treasured toys were scattered across the bed and cuddled next to her was her dolly. I stroked her hair and held her tear-stained face in my hand as I whispered, “Gretchen, are you still awake?” She turned her head as she opened her eyes. Still hugging her dolly, I knew she wanted to hug her daddy.

“Gretchen,” I explained, “I gave you that spanking because I love you.” Her hands came out from under the covers, let go of the dolly, and reached up around my neck. As she put her slippery, wet cheek next to mine, I prayed, “Dear God, Thank you for Gretchen!” That tender moment was a time of special communication between us.

Jesus Christ is alive today and wants to communicate with you. He wants to love you, but you have to let go of your substitute. For a dolly is never a substitute for a daddy! Let Jesus Christ love you today!

I COME TO YOU, LORD,
BECAUSE YOU UNDERSTAND ME.
I ACCEPT YOUR LOVE. I FEEL YOUR PRESENCE.
I HAVE YOUR POWER WITHIN ME!

1 Nov 2001

Stupid Dave

Dave was planning to get a cake with trucks on it for Amie and Leonard’s birthday.

“Why trucks?” I asked.

“That’s the best that they had,” he replied.