I went to Kohl’s yesterday. All of the mannequins had paper signs which read “DO NOT INVENTORY” taped to their arms. I suppose it was easier to photocopy dozens of “DO NOT INVENTORY” signs and Scotch tape them to all of the mannequins than to just make a general announcement to the employees about excluding mannequins from inventory.

I wrapped all of my family’s presents, and I think I experienced the miracle of Hanukkah in the process. You see, I had only one package of tissue paper left, and I didn’t think it would be enough for all of the gift bags I’m giving. It seemed like a very scant amount of tissue. However, I ended up having just enough after all, and the temple was saved.

Sure enough, if you load ice cream onto a plastic spoon, pull back on the edge of the spoon, and then release it, the ice cream will fly foward.

Thank you, David, for allowing Danny to test this theory, and thank you, Starbucks, for providing napkins.

I think we’ve all noticed that if you crumple up the paper towels as you pull them from the dispenser, you’ll need at least two of them to completely dry your hands. However, I’ve come to the conclusion (after much experimentation) that if you leave the paper towel flat while you’re drying your hands, you’ll only need one towel to finish the job.

Of course, the surface area of the towel is the same regardless of whether you crumple it or leave it flat, so this doesn’t seem logical. But it’s true, I tell you, and I believe I know the reason for this odd phenomenon.

When you crumple the paper towel, you’re forcing parts of it to become wet without even touching your hands directly, because the water will soak through one layer onto another. Therefore, more of the towel’s surface area becomes moist (and can no longer assist in the drying process). By leaving it flat, you’ll notice that it gets much wetter overall, but that you have enough dry area to finish drying your hands before the whole towel is wet.

I’m thinking about why birds chirp. Amie says it’s because they’re hungry, but I don’t think that makes sense. There’s no reason for them to make a noise because they’re hungry unless they’re baby birds and they want their mother’s attention. When they’re adult birds, chirping for food would be like us standing in front of the microwave saying, “Make me dinner! Make me dinner!” And that’s just silly.

So the only good reason I can come up with is that they’re marking their territory. They want other birds to hear them and understand that. So I suppose that in bird language, “chirp” actually means… um… “My tree.”

Like this: (Real Audio) (Windows Media)

But then again, I know for a fact that they chirp during mating season too. I assume that the chirp sounds different during mating season, because it doesn’t make sense to attract members of the opposite sex (no offense to any gay birds out there) by saying, “My tree” (no offense to any dendropheliacs out there).

So I think that when they’re mating, they have a different chirp. For the sake of clarity, let’s call this other chirp a “tweet” instead. And in bird language, “tweet” actually means… um… “Nice shoes, wanna fuck?”

Hm. Birds don’t wear shoes. Damn. So in bird language, I guess “tweet” would have to mean… something different… like, “What’s your sign?” Oh wait! Even better: “Hey baby.”

Like this: (Real Audio) (Windows Media)